FATHERS AND SONS

Turning another page of life, I would like to talk to fathers and remind them of their role in the family and responsibility for it before God and society.

 Christians rightly call fathers “the pastor of the home church”. But doesn’t God demand too much of a man? What can He expect from simple earthly creatures of flesh and blood? Such questions in different forms frequently arise in a lot of families where fathers are seriously concerned about bringing their families to a safe haven of Christian relationships and love, so that all the members of the family could eventually inherit eternal life, hiding in the shelter of God’s presence.

 In this regard, God assigns a special role to fathers, appointing them to be leaders of their families, not only because a man is usually tall, has a loud voice and shows masculine behavior. In terms of God, a father must do a lot, relying precisely on His help, that God offers to us, written in the pages of the Bible.

But this “testing by giving power” imposes on fathers a great responsibility for their families before God. An important biblical example of this responsibility is given in the second chapter of 1 Kings, when God expresses His dissatisfaction to the prophet Elijah for his irresponsible parenting and determines the punishment for him and his sons.

It is during this time when you have power as the leader of your family and establish its course through life as a father, as the head of the family, that the fate of your children as well as future generations largely depends on how obedient to God you will be in your ability to apply the Divine wisdom of the Bible to your family.

In the Bible we find numerous descriptions of tragedies, when fathers, ignoring God’s commandments, chose their own way and perished with their families, depriving themselves and their descendants of a future. Reading 1 Kings, we can remember King Saul’s tragic life. Having disobeyed God’s commandments, he perishes, bringing about the death of his children, who would otherwise have inherited his kingdom and raised their kids, if their father had been devoted to the Lord. But he didn’t follow God’s commandments, and as a result, they didn’t get the life God wanted for them.

We can remember King Zedekiah’s sad demise, described by the prophet Jeremiah. Zedekiah rejected the Lord’s words, choosing human wisdom over them, and was brutally punished by his enemies for his mistakes. Through the prophet Jeremiah the Lord offered him a way out of this situation, but Zedekiah made his choice.

Further, we read that the whole royal family, Zedekiah’s forty sons were killed with a sword right before his eyes, and then his eyes were gouged out and he was taken to a foreign land. We can assume that his life in this state was not long. It was a violent time. The same as before, the father’s choice of a life stance still bears crucial importance in our days. Fathers today are also responsible to God for the fates of their children.

In one of his short stories the American writer O’Henry describes the Last Judgment over one sinner, that he saw in a dream.

A girl, who grew up without parental supervision in one of the city’s poor neighborhoods, started drinking heavily, killed her fiancé out of jealousy and then committed suicide… After hearing her case, a bailiff angel went out the door and said: “Justified! The one we should trial in this case is a red-haired, unshaven, scruffy man, who is sitting by the window, dressed in as little as socks and reading a newspaper, while his children are playing unattended in the street.”

So, the writer’s thought is clear: parents are also to blame and responsible for their children’s sins. That’s exactly right. After all, selfishness, callousness and indifference towards your own children always turn into tragedy. First of all, it’s a tragedy of a child, who is growing up and lacking parental love and care, and then a tragedy of misunderstanding between generations of members of one family.

In childhood and teenage years, one needs a father not only to lead and discipline them, but also to influence them during this most important period of their transitions into further stages of life. The influence fathers have on their sons is especially important. Someone said well: “Introduce a real man to a little boy and he will never choose the wrong path in life.” The experience he will get from this type of communication will remain with him for the rest of his life, in which he will have to solve a number of other problems. Some of them are less important, some are more, but the issue of fathers and sons is as burning and relevant today, as it was thousands of years ago. Many societal moral problems arise in childhood.

Indeed, in Christian families, the mutual love between parents and their children, and their responsibility to each other, are implied. “Honor your father and mother, that it may go well with you” says one of the main Christian commandments.

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath; instead, bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” – the Apostle Paul taught the first Christians. These words are written in Ephesians 6: 1-4.

Doing this today is as important as it was in the time of the Apostle. Especially in our days, when the traditional foundations of family, that were being built for ages, are shaken, and each new generation encouraged by progress is going further and further from the previous one. It is so easy today to provoke our children, even if you manage to raise them by the Lord’s instruction and admonition. In this regard, fathers should show a particular wisdom and patience in order not to alienate their children, who are becoming more and more autonomous and independent every day.

We all know how difficult it is to live with people, who strive to immediately reach perfection in everything. Those who have experienced this can compare it to daily attempts to hug a cactus. Whatever you do, it will be wrong. You don’t get your share of encouragement or approval, while one critical remark follows the other.

But criticism is useless, as it puts a person on the defensive and makes them look for excuses. Moreover, criticism is dangerous, because it hurts people’s precious self-esteem and arouses a feeling of resentment or indignation.

In the old German army, a soldier was not allowed to file a complaint immediately after the incident that gave rise to it. He had to hold back the initial feeling of resentment, cool down and file the complaint the following day. If he did it immediately on the day of the incident, he was punished. In our everyday life, such a rule should be introduced for grumpy parents.

Now, you must be thinking that if you are tempted to criticize your children, we will tell you: “Don’t!” No, we won’t. We only want to remind you of this. Before you criticize your kid, remember one classic example of American journalism – the article called “Father forgets”. This article was written under the influence of a deep sincere feeling, and it inevitably gets readers’ feedback.

As the author W. Livingston Larned said himself, it was printed in hundreds of newspapers and magazines around the world. Thousands of people read it from church pulpits and in schools. Sometimes it happens, that small literary works become incredibly important and successful. This article is one of them.

FATHER FORGETS

Listen Son, I am saying this as you lie asleep, one little hand crumpled under your cheek and blonde curls sticky over your wet forehead. I have broken into your room alone. Just a few minutes ago, as I sat reading my paper in the library, a stifling wave of remorse swept over me. Guilty, I came to your bedside.

There are things which I am thinking, son; I had been cross to you. I scolded you as you were dressing for school because you gave your face a mere dab with the towel. I took you to task for not cleaning your shoes. I called out angrily when you threw some of your things on the floor.

At breakfast I found fault, too. You spilled things. You gulped down your food. You put your elbows on the table. You spread butter too thick on your bread. As you started off to play and I made for my train, you turned and waved a hand and called, "Goodbye, Daddy!" I frowned, and said in reply, "Hold your shoulders back!".

Then it began all over again late this afternoon. As I came up the road I spied you, down on your knees, playing marbles. There were holes in your socks. I humiliated you before your friends by marching you ahead of me to the house. Socks were expensive, and if you had to buy them you would be more careful! Imagine that son, from a father.

Do you remember later, when I was reading in the library, how you came timidly, with sort of a hurt look in your eyes? I glanced up over my paper, impatient at the interruption; you hesitated at the door. "What is it that you want?" I snapped.

You said nothing, but ran across in one tempestuous plunge, threw your arms around my neck and kissed me, your small arms tightened with affection that God had set blooming in your heart, which even neglect could not wither. Then you were gone, pattering up the stairs.

Well, Son, it was shortly afterwards that my paper slipped from my hands and a terrible sickening fear came over me. What has habit been doing to me? The habit of finding fault, or reprimanding; this was my reward to you for being a boy. It was not that I did not love you: it was that I expected too much of you. I was measuring you by the yardstick of my own years.

There is so much that was good, fine and true in your character. The little heart of yours was as big as the dawn itself over the hills. This was shown by your spontaneous impulse to rush in and kiss me good night. Nothing else mattered tonight. Son, I have come to your beside in the darkness, I have knelt there, ashamed!

It is a feeble atonement; I know that you would not understand these things which I have told you in the waking hours. Tomorrow I will be a real daddy! I will chum with you, suffer when you suffer and laugh when you laugh. I will bite my tongue when impatient words come. I will keep saying as if it were a ritual: "He is nothing but a boy--a little boy."

I am afraid I have visualized you as a man. Yet as I see you now, Son, crumpled and weary in your bed. I see that you are still a baby. Yesterday you were in your mother's arms, your head on her shoulder. I have asked too much, too much!

* * *

One of the most wonderful revelations in the Bible tells us that God is our Father! But what thoughts come to our children’s minds when they hear the word “father”? Do they associate it with the image of a person who always helps them and provides them with everything they need? Does it give them warm and tender feelings?

Or could it be that when they hear this word, completely different images come to mind?

The Bible shows God as a tender and forgiving Father, for Whom every tiny detail of your life is important. It’s not just a beautiful sublime image, it is true in reality.

And yet, we all probably imagine God differently. We all unconsciously transfer the feelings and impressions of our earthly father to our idea of the Heavenly Father. Those who get along well with their fathers find it easier to understand God, while a kid who didn’t, upon growing up, frequently has the wrong image of the Heavenly Father’s love for people.

Apparently, it makes sense that we come into this world completely dependent and helpless. After all, it’s through relations in the family that God demonstrates His love for people – both parents and children. Only when we become parents, we truly begin to understand that God wants to show His love to us in earthly parents’ tenderness and mercy towards our children, in our parental care and proper upbringing.

But what if these idealistic expectations were not met? What if a child, for whatever reason wasn’t lucky enough to have good parents? Imagine how many children feel rejected and unwanted in their families! These children will have a hard time understanding God, seeing who He really is.

Let’s look back at our past and see if we ourselves feel some kind of barrier between us and God, due to the lack of tender and loving fatherly care given to us in our childhood.

There are so many crippled generations that go stumbling through their adolescent years only to pass on to their kids the same cruel blows they experienced as children. This continues generation after generation.

Today the Lord gives fathers a reminder: value your time, among all worries and problems, find time to devote to your kids and in the language of business, we advise you – invest your money and time in your children, this is an investment without regrets.

The wise Diogenes compared parenting to pottery. “While they are little, - he said, - you can mold anything out of them, but as soon as the clay is burned, you can no longer correct flaws. It is the same with children. When they grow up, they will be left with what they acquired in childhood.” But this priceless time, in terms of positive influence on children, often comes and goes when fathers are least available to them. Fathers work hard, building their career, frequently annoyed and tired, they bring home briefcases of work that they do at home till midnight and finally, absolutely exhausted, fall asleep. This situation repeats day after day in thousands of families.

One four-year-old boy asked another kid: “Where is your daddy? I’ve never seen him.” “Oh, he doesn’t live here, - was the answer, - he just comes to sleep.”

Conducting a scientific study, a leading American child education specialist worked with a team of researchers to find out how much time a middle-class father spends playing with and raising his children. First, a group of fathers were asked to estimate the amount of time they spend with their 1-year-olds on a daily basis, and the result was twelve to twenty minutes on average.

To check if the answers were correct, the researches attached microphones to the toddlers’ clothes in order to record everything their parents would say. The result came as a shock! The average amount of time the fathers spent with their toddlers equaled thirty-seven seconds per day! Their direct communication was limited to 2.7 meetings, lasting between 10 and 15 seconds. Apparently, that is what parenting looks like for millions of today’s kids.

And now let’s compare the thirty-seven-second communication between fathers and children to other figures. On average, American preschoolers watch 30 to 50 hours of TV a week. Just imagine the unbelievable image that these two statistics reflect! During the first years of their lives, when children are so vulnerable, so inexperienced, they get just 37 seconds of father’s attention a day, and over 30 hours of commercial television a week.

And now let’s ask ourselves: where do our children get basic information on moral and spiritual values? Obviously, not from their fathers.

Somebody made an apt remark: “We don’t teach values to our kids, they just pick them up.” It truly is so. How often do we sit Sasha and Alyona down next to us and tell them about God and other values? But long ago God spoke to Abraham about it: “For I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the Lord by doing what is right and just.” (Genesis 18:19) In this respect, no one can replace the father.

As I conclude this conversation, I want you to know that I had no intention of making you feel guilty or disappointed. On the contrary, I would like to encourage you to achieve better results - to be real fathers in the full sense of the word.

Christ said that even the impossible can be done with God. You might already have missed out on a lot in your families’ lives. Do not despair, with God you can make it right, even if it seems impossible. And your loving presence in your children’s lives will be a blessing and a treasure trove of goodness for them as well as for yourself.